Chapter 170: Shrinking Back, Unwilling to Change

After saying those seemingly ambiguous yet clear words, Bian Changxi felt a weight lift from her heart—no regrets, no complaints. But to say she wasn’t nervous or sorry would be a lie.

It did feel a bit like she’d slapped Gu Xu in the face in front of everyone.

After all, with all those rumors swirling outside, for her to suddenly announce she had a boyfriend—didn’t that make things awkward for Gu Xu?

Honestly, she was pretty afraid Gu Xu might get angry. If he didn’t have any feelings for her, she’d just made things worse for herself. But if he did have feelings, then it was even worse—wasn’t it obvious she was rejecting him? When Young Master Gu gets angry, not just anyone can handle it, and she was still just a fragile wood-type, barely starting to toughen up.

But that person’s words had been truly intolerable, hitting her right where it hurt. By the time she realized it, her vines had already lashed out—since she’d already acted, wouldn’t it be a waste not to say something?

Thinking it over, the rumors had only started recently, and no one had actually seen anything between her and Gu Xu. This was the perfect time to clear things up. Her stepping forward like that wasn’t really out of place.

Sigh. Bian Changxi let out a soft sigh, propping her chin on her knee as she stared blankly at the lush vegetables and fruits in the courtyard.

It was the middle of the night, the moon high and bright, spilling silvery light across the ground. The villa was peaceful and quiet. Except for Wu Dalang and Yingzi, who’d been ordered to rest, the others had come back from the banquet only to head out again soon after. The atmosphere then had been a bit awkward.

Gu Xu’s expression was perfectly normal. Qiu Yun looked somewhat upset, while Qiu Feng actually seemed even kinder to her.

A group of people, all impossible to figure out.

Rustle, rustle—footsteps sounded behind her. She glanced back; it was Chen Yisha. She and Lin Rongrong had been worried about her, so they hadn’t left the villa. By the time everyone returned from the banquet, it was already curfew, so they’d decided to stay the night.

Chen Yisha dragged over a small chair and sat beside her, gazing at the moonlit, leafy greens in silence for a moment before speaking. “I know I might be overstepping, since we’ve only been roommates for a little over a year. But I see you don’t have many people to talk to, so if you need someone to listen, I don’t mind being your sounding board.”

Though they’d only been roommates for a year, and Bian Changxi always seemed cold, Chen Yisha did know her best—especially her romantic history. She’d watched her pretend to let go while still clinging to the past, and it made her both sad and frustrated.

Bian Changxi smiled. “I don’t really have anything I need to talk about.”

Chen Yisha shot her a sidelong glance. “You’re really not cute at all.” She hesitated, then said, “But I do have something I want to ask.”

“Mm?”

“The boyfriend you mentioned… you didn’t mean Bai Heng, did you?” Chen Yisha stared at Bian Changxi’s face.

But Bian Changxi’s expression was calm, serene as ever. “Mm.”

“But there’s no way he’s coming back. He’s all the way on the other side of the Pacific!”

“I know.”

“You know what!” Chen Yisha was getting anxious on her behalf. Back in college, things had been messy enough—her uncle was awful, the environment terrible. They’d all just wanted to graduate and move on. Back then, Bian Changxi staring at her ex’s photo was at least some comfort. But now, with freedom and a good man right in front of her, why was she still stuck in the past?

She glared, forgetting all about her ladylike image. “Let me just ask—how does Gu Xu treat you?”

Bian Changxi looked at her. “You sound just like a mom.” She thought seriously for a moment. “He’s done more than enough.”

Gu Xu really had treated her more than fairly. He’d kept his promise not to pry, and had shown her more respect and courtesy than she could have asked for. She’d seen and remembered everything he’d done for her. She had to admit, working under Gu Xu was comfortable—it gave her a sense of security, like there was always someone taller to hold up the sky. It was a lot better than struggling alone.

So, in return, she did her best to help him however she could. She wanted to maintain this cooperative relationship. It didn’t really have anything to do with romance.

“That’s all?”

“What else would there be?”

Chen Yisha looked frustrated, but didn’t know how to say more.

Bian Changxi knew what she wanted to say, so she spoke directly: “You think he likes me, right? I’ve wondered about that too, and I’ve thought about it a lot.” She shook her head. “Gu Xu treats me well, no doubt about it. But does he really like me? Not necessarily.” She said calmly, “There are three reasons he’s good to me. First, I’m a woman on my own, which looks tough to others, but I’m not delicate, not demanding, and don’t ask for special treatment. I’m a good partner, so why not give me a little extra care?

“Second, I’m quite capable. In the entire Su City base, I wouldn’t say I’m the best, but there aren’t many wood-types who can match me. In Jiang City, I’m definitely number one. Gu Xu needs me.

“He’s a very responsible man, deeply concerned for the safety of his companions and subordinates. Anyone who works for him gets his attention. I just happen to fall within that range.”

Okay, she admitted, she was within that range, but the care and attention he gave her went far beyond what he gave others.

But maybe that was just his way of expressing things. She didn’t really know how he interacted with Qiu Feng and the others—after all they’d been through together, it couldn’t be that different.

“Third, I once saved Yingzi, and now I’ve saved him again, plus Wu Dalang this time. If not for that initial debt of gratitude, he wouldn’t have been so tolerant with me, and none of what followed would have happened. If I’d been strong but arrogant, or tough but incompetent, he wouldn’t treat me the way he does now.”

But do all these reasons add up to love?

Bian Changxi shook her head. He was rational. His foundation was still shaky, he had heavy responsibilities, so much to deal with, and a long, hard road ahead. Would he really be thinking about romance at a time like this? She didn’t believe it for a second.

That was the conclusion she’d come to after a whole day of thinking. It just wasn’t possible. Gu Xu wasn’t the type to get caught up in romance. If he’d done all this, used all this power, just to chase a woman, then he wouldn’t be Gu Xu.

Chen Yisha stared, then burst out indignantly, “So you’re not accepting his feelings, fine—but now you’re twisting everything!”

Bian Changxi sighed. “Don’t get worked up. That’s not what I mean. You misunderstood. I just mean—it hasn’t reached that point. There’s no such thing as feelings for no reason. Look at me—as an ability user, I’m doing alright. But as a woman, am I really someone worth pursuing?”

Only then did Chen Yisha notice how flat Bian Changxi’s tone was. This last sentence was heavy, almost lifeless, like a still pond, filled with cold self-mockery.

Suddenly, she realized—Bian Changxi just didn’t have any confidence.

She racked her brain for something positive to say. “That’s not true. That’s just how you see yourself. How do you know what Gu Xu thinks? And you have so many good qualities—you’re so kind…”

“Kind?” Bian Changxi reacted as if she’d heard the biggest joke, her tone suddenly sharp, eyes wide as if she’d seen a ghost. “Kind? You don’t think I’m kind just because I’m a doctor and saved a few lives, do you?” She gave a cold, thin smile. “Did I go out of my way to save those people? I wanted to enjoy the shade under Gu Xu’s big tree, so I had to contribute, didn’t I? The greatest value of a wood-type is healing, right? I didn’t know any of those people I healed—they were all assigned to me. Once they were healed, it all became political capital, didn’t it?”

She shook her head. She didn’t mind the work, but that didn’t mean she enjoyed it.

No, actually, she did enjoy it. Everyone needs to prove their value. One of her values was her healing ability. Proving she was useful made her happy.

It was just like a laborer mixing cement at a construction site to earn money—their value is their strength. Her value was her ability to heal. Does that make the laborer kind? No. So does that make her kind? Of course not.

Kindness is subjective. It depends on your motives and intentions. She could never face the world with the lofty, merciful heart of a savior. She always considered her own interests first.

Even being good to others—Chen Yisha, Lin Rongrong, Aunt Zhao, and the rest—was only because they’d been good to her first. When she saved the group from the Qiao base, it was partly to avoid trouble, but also to give Gu Xu more options.

Otherwise, why would she care about some random stranger?

Everything she did was based on self-interest, on exchange and bargaining.

How could that be called kindness?

With someone this cold and calculating, what was there to attract anyone? No matter how innocent her smile, how lively her actions, at her core she was still rotten, selfish, and old.

Really, when she thought about it, what could Gu Xu possibly like about her? Even if he was interested now, once he learned her true nature, he’d probably be disappointed.

Chen Yisha was momentarily speechless. She felt instinctively that this wasn’t right, but couldn’t find the words to argue, so she tried to persuade her from another angle. “But at least there’s some affection, right? Relationships take work. Right now, you and Gu Xu are the best match for each other—he’s the best person around you. Why not give yourself a chance?”

Bian Changxi tilted her head back, letting the cold, bright moonlight wash over her face, her expression calm, her eyes clear and cool. “Because I don’t want to change. Shasha, I once loved someone so deeply. He never let me down, never betrayed me, never hurt me—he’s just not here right now. So should I just forget him and start over?”

She murmured, then glanced over to see Chen Yisha staring at her, dumbfounded, and suddenly laughed. “Alright, I’m just joking. I’m no love saint. Bai Heng might be great, but he’s not necessarily worth pining for my whole life. But Shasha, look at this world—so busy, so absurd, full of daily partings, hunger, and ugliness. Don’t you ever feel tired? I do. But when I’m exhausted, at least I have someone to miss, a memory worth cherishing. My heart can slowly calm down, empty itself. It feels like, if I died right now, I could go with a smile and rest in peace.

“People who are alive and right beside you can’t always give you that.”

“You said it yourself—relationships take work. How long does that take? How much energy does it cost? How many conflicts will arise? And what if, in the end, people change? Whether it’s me or him, after going through all that, what then?

“But memories don’t need work. They’re hidden in your heart and never change. Only they will never betray me.

“So I really don’t want to change.”

To say she’d never felt anything for Gu Xu would be a lie. But feeling something doesn’t mean she liked him, and it certainly didn’t mean she wanted to tie her whole life to him, to let her life and death depend on him.

Why did she choose Zhu Yunhua over him in her past life? Because with Zhu Yunhua, she only had to use her head, not her heart—she knew from the start he’d never get into her heart.

Gu Xu was different. He was strong and outstanding, like a blazing sun shining into the darkest corners of her heart. Being with him, from any perspective, it would be impossible to keep her heart calm. He would slowly eat away the shadows of the past in her heart, replace Bai Heng’s place, and then take over all her emotions, dominate all her reason.

She’d realized this clearly from the first moment her heart stirred.

But that was a terrifying thought.

Accepting him would mean handing her life over to him. And if it didn’t reach that point, what would be the point of being with someone at all?

Either way, it was wrong. She didn’t have the courage. All she could do was suppress herself, keep her distance.

That’s how it was in her past life, and at first in this life too. But fate is unpredictable—since running away wasn’t a solution, she’d decided to approach things as naturally as possible. Even if she sometimes lost her composure or struggled, she trusted her own self-control.

And even if all the complications with Gu Xu didn’t exist, could she really let go of Bai Heng?

After her parents died, she’d thought only Bian Kuang and Bai Heng mattered in this world. Now she’d already lost one—she couldn’t lose the other.

Really, from the start, ever since she was reborn, she’d never planned to make any changes in her emotional life.

Call her cowardly, call her melodramatic—life was already hard enough. All she wanted was peace and quiet for her heart. She was already so tired—how could she dare to give her heart away again?

Chen Yisha looked at her lonely, cold figure, and for a moment, saw an overwhelming sense of desolation and exhaustion in her eyes. Suddenly, she felt sorry for her.

She was so strong—willing to rely on memories to get through each day, but unwilling to rely on the people right beside her. But she was also so timid, preferring to hide away in her memories rather than take a chance on someone, or pursue a happiness that was already within reach.

Maybe she was right. Maybe Gu Xu didn’t like her—at least, he hadn’t shown much. Otherwise, she wouldn’t be like this, unable to take even a single step forward.

Thank you to the seventh-ranked Peace Talisman!

Thank you to zjj213 for the two pink tickets!

Ahem, finally got through this part. When I first created this character, I didn’t plan for her to have such complicated feelings. But as I wrote, she developed her own personality, her own struggles and helplessness. There are so many reasons, it’s impossible to explain in just one sentence.

This is also the first time I’ve explored a character’s psychology in such detail.

Though, I’m sure some readers won’t like it much.

Next, we’ll get back to the main plot—after all, this is an apocalypse story, and the romance is just one thread.

PS: The typhoon has hit, and Wenzhou is affected. Our little backward town has lost water, power, and internet. My house is unfortunately hit by all three. I’m uploading this chapter from a relative’s house, charging my laptop here too, so I can’t guarantee updates will be on time. Please understand, everyone /(tot)/~~"